La voz imprecisa

Se lo dijo con una voz tímida e indecisa y ella no dudó en besarlo toda la noche. Luego fueron a dormir. Él yacía intacto, silente, como una estatua, igual como lo vio en la mañana, ni siquiera barba le había crecido. Entonces consagró las horas a mirar el cielo y ver su propio reflejo en la ventana. No logró cerrar una pestaña, así que observó la luna como circulaba por el cielo abierto y trasladó todas sus esperanzas a encontrar una respuesta satisfactoria.

-Pero, ¿cómo me ama?- pensaba. Se decía a si misma que eso era suficiente, que ahora por fin sería feliz, porque él la amaba, tal como lo dijo.  Pasaron miles de ovejas por su frente. Pero no lograba saciar su vista y cerrar sus ojos, pues seguía preguntándose.

Tal vez me ama con esa pasión desgarradora y fulminante que destruye todo a su paso, con ese antojo infernal que desea por sobretodo el cuerpo y la lujuria. Donde se pierde en mi sexo y en mi piel mansa cada vez que me toca, cada vez que siente mi silueta.

O quizás me ama con ese amor indolente, que hiere, que duele, pues castiga cada error con frialdad y desden dictatorial, pues soy su esclava y su propiedad. Soy parte de su territorio animal y sólo la muerte podrá liberarme.

Tal vez me ama con ese amor protector. Jamás dejaría que alguien me hiciera daño, pues él siempre ha estado ahí, junto a mí, desde que tengo memoria y razón. Siempre ha sido la estrella que guía mis aventuras y baja esas alucinaciones astrales a la tierra, al mundo de la razón y de los hombres.

O como el amor de mariposas, que vuelan juntas en su andar mágico. Que se entrelazan como dos ráfagas luminosas para permanecer en un espacio irreal donde los colores llenan el mundo y el aliento de la primavera plasma el espacio de rosas y cielo azul.

A lo mejor le gusta mi intelecto, sí, porque el andar comunicacional abunda. Pues llevamos siglos conversando cada uno de esos temas, desglosando argumentos en miles de palabras y en cientos de segundos. Es el desafío, sí, es el desafío.

Quizás sólo le gusta mi compañía, pues advierte las garantías de mi cocina y las ganancias de mis caricias. Porque sin mi es la mitad de uno, o apenas un cuarto de si mismo. Ni siquiera podría encontrar las llaves del departamento.

¿Y si no entiende de amor? Tal vez fue la guerra, que lo ha dejado a maltraer. Y ya se le olvidó lo que significa esa palabra ¿Y si soy yo la que no entiende de amor?

Shy

I write to shine, so others can see me in the crowd
I write to be in front of you, so we can be equal in the corridor
I write to make you smile, think and cry, so others can understand me through your eyes
I write to drain my soul, so the entire human kind can forgive my sins and purify my spirit
I write to deliver and succeed, so we can climb together the Olympus
I write so you can hear my voice, for the first time
I write to escape from those demons, who would shoot me down
I write to stop being afraid and trust my skills
I write to be invisible, so I can stop making mistakes…

¿Cómo ser?

Hoy me desperté pensando otra vez en esos sueños, entre el letargo de la mañana y el frío del aire acondicionado que caía sobre mi rostro. Después de algunos momentos de pereza, sentí un remezón sobre mi cuerpo, eran mis pies, un tanto adoloridos por las largas caminatas de los últimos días. Los canales y callecitas de la ciudad son un buen anzuelo para la somnolencia y la introspección. Debe ser la fuerza del agua que se asoma en tu espíritu y revuelve todo por dentro, atravesando hasta los más inclementes corazones. Luego de algunas horas, seguí pensando en ti y en esos sueños, fue un episodio desgarrador, nunca había llegado a tal extremo. Sinceramente, en el último tiempo sólo me dediqué a deambular como un idiota.

Esta conciencia y sus sueños es lo más auténtico que he vivido en los últimos días. Hubo instantes en mi pasado con un filo destructor, donde verdaderamente puedo decir que se partió mi corazón, dónde perdí mi alma y también algunas partes del cuerpo. Pero esta vez ha sido distinto, ha sido un despertar más profundo, que termina inequívocamente en una sola pregunta: ¿Cómo ser?

He vivido muchas fantasías, cruzado fronteras por mis sueños y gozado totalmente lo que he entendido hasta ahora como el logro y la satisfacción, algo así como encaramarse hasta lo más alto de esa escalera multicolor que es la vida, donde he puesto fuerzas y conquistado algunas pequeñas cumbres. Observar hacia abajo luego de un largo camino, entrega gran regocijo y omnipotencia. A veces quizás un poco de arrogancia, pero por sobre todo mucha sabiduría. Luego de tantos viajes, tanta paciencia, enredos, iras, amores, ruidos, tragedias y alegrías, no puedo decir que soy feliz.

Me espanta un poco la naturaleza de esta interrogante. Me recuerdo de un gran amigo que una vez me dijo “tu destruyes todas tus posibilidades de ser verdaderamente feliz”. Me asusta, sí, porque como siempre, las verdades están más cerca de lo que uno imagina, más cerca de lo que llamamos felicidad y más cerca de uno mismo de lo que queremos creer…

para A.P

America

Te extraño América
extraño tus frutos sagrados y los terrenos baldíos
tu gente y su calor hermoso

Te extraño América
extraño tu sueños de libertad y esa bandera multicolor
que acaricia el cielo límpido y une gentíos

Te extraño América
extraño tus ojos negros que miran inocentes
con cariño, sí, con ese cariño desgarrador que sólo se encuentra en América

Te extraño América,
extraño tu rostro de futuro y tus sonrisas
me sonrojan tus sonrisas
me conmueve tu futuro
me anima tu rostro lejano

Te extraño América,
extraño el silencio de tus océanos y la tempestad del invierno
que te rodean de imágenes de antaño
y de kilómetros de kilómetros de sinfonías románticas

Te extraño América,
extraño tu piel morena y las inclemencias del sol
que mantienen los campos fecundos
como si la primavera fuera eterna

Te extraño América,
extraño tu amor y tus guerras
extraño como me tocaste y curtiste mi carácter
extraño como soy, porque soy gracias a ti
te extraño junto a mi…

Bonn reloaded

For the ones who leave footsteps in the sand and don’t need to lose weight…

I miss you telling me all your wise advice, calling me h* (no, It’s not horny pony) and of course, giving me the HR perspective that could save me from an eventual nuclear cataclysm. But let’s go to the important subjects: carrying furniture around, cleaning the house and reviewing my resume would do enough.
PS: Don’t forget to bring me home before 10 am (and please, last time we go to Cologne).

I miss your patience, your smiles and your loyalty. Friendships are not for granted, of course, but sometimes you really need to dig under the snow to find the bonds that hold the trees together. Those lie deep under water, close to the center of the Planet. You even have to burn yourself, like the phoenix, to rebirth and realize that they are just mirrors.
Plus, who would be the CEO of my very first and own idiotic enterprise? (which will be opening and recruiting very soon). No one would care more than you.

I miss you listening; indeed, listening is a quality, a TALENT many of us don’t have. Listening is learning, listening is hugging, listening is music. When I say many, I mean many and they know who they are. There is plenty of grass to cut in my garden; I hope you have time to drive me there. By the way, it’s about time you start playing the guitar again, so turn on the haut-parleurs, get the hoovering done and let’s go to the bakery.

I miss you looking at me with your silence, cooking and understanding. Some people have great skills, but yours are a never-ending story. I don’t want to guess more about it, the stars could get upset at me once again and I just signed a non-disclosure agreement, in JavaScript, can you believe that?. But, let’s review the cooking part. My belly still has loads of space to grow. It’s some sort of expansive entity like the Universe. Anyway, it’s enough for me with your protection.

I miss you not-understanding me, what else could I get from you? I know: a soup. I heard you make the best soups in town. I also heard you love to wake up early in the morning and see the fog in the street. Perhaps that’s a tiny piece of what I have never noticed, your wide compromise and solidarity. So, next time we see us I will iron my shirts so I can learn a bit about all that.

I miss you playing the guitar. Sure, not for me, but for everyone. I cannot wait for the glamour and the red carpet. It’s hard being so famous, isn’t it?. I also miss your tolerance and your moods. I guess that’s something else I’ve forgotten to learn lately. But what I definitely don’t want to leave behind is your perseverance. That’s the north oracle we many times forget to find.

I have finally discovered why you are good friends with me and why I admire you so much. It is not because of your enormous patience… well, may be a bit, my own stupidity sometimes goes far beyond my own imagination, which is quite rich and open (how weird that sounds?). It’s simply, because of the rain. The rain cleans the air, melts the snow and feed the ground for new beginnings. I am lucky It rains so much in Bonn, so I can spread the sand again on the road of my life and try to follow your footsteps before It’s too late…

I love palabras

Sin palabras sería escaso, ambiguo, inútil.
Sin palabras estallaría cada murmullo y balbuceo de mi boca
Sin palabras tendría que recurrir a ti con tus ojitos dulces
y a la voz de primavera

Sin palabras estaría descalzo, falto de orgullo
Sin palabras estaría reacio al amor y a su intachable porvenir
Sin palabras no llegaría a ninguna esquina, ni a la botica de la esquina
y me quedaría sentado mirando el horizonte

Sin palabras no tendría como tocarte
Sin palabras no sabría como amarte
Sin palabras no entendería como quererte
y olvidaría la diferencia entre el viento, las hojas y el rocío

Sin palabras me olvidaría de ti y tú de mi
Sin palabras no habría conflicto que mediar, ni media por disputar
Sin palabras no seríamos hermanos y nos batiríamos en las sombras, lejos del tiempo
Sin palabras abrigaría el yugo agreste de la violencia desesperada
y palparía cada silueta con mis ojos de sonrisa

Sin palabras no sería yo, sino otro
otro que se esconde bajo la voz de primavera…

I am a member

You always felt different. You always knew there was something about you, some kind of natural alteration of the matrix or of the desperate flow of information within. It shaped your complete and entire being as to be the odd one out since you were born, which is totally opposite to feeling of being he special one. Being the special one is for kids or for important people, not my point of inflection right now.

Almost in every social situation, even while you were sleeping you needed some time extra to recover from such a stormy journey. But, what social interaction can you develop while you sleep? It’s not so obvious; it’s just different, but affects every single soul. Every dream is a pure reflection of the infinite contact with your unconscious (or was it sub-conscious?, who cares about the difference anyway) which is due in some sort of parallel dimension, where all your trendy hormones, vast experiences with the others, twisted brain cells and stupid dilemmas just can be explained by one word: weirdness. Realizing your own weirdness within, even in a sub-conscious level, is the first step of a long path ahead. It is quite an “achievement” though and you can only do it with the others and because of the others.

There is no weirdness in God, because “he” is unique (Did you notice he is a he and not a she?, not even a we, how dodgy no?). There is no weirdness in uniqueness, simply because there is no benchmark. Perhaps that’s why many of us idolize just a few of us with exceptional qualities, like football players or top models, because there is no weirdness in uniqueness. Perhaps that’s why He, the pope and hundreds of others in many spheres of human life are “hes”, because men are unique?.

So your whole life you feel like there must be something else, you try to embrace your own specie by travelling, attending several kinds of activities and groups, doing group sports, yoga, joining the scouts, going to church and even applying to University. You are passionately looking for this eternal feeling of actually “belonging” to somebody or to something. Also looking for a way to fulfill, or at least dominate, your weirdness.

One of the very first times you go out to “the real world” is when your parents bring you to church. You are not 100% there, because you are still living in your child paranormal world (don’t mean to disregard with contempt that beautiful stage of our lives, more the opposite). So after a while, you start realizing how scary and ugly are all those rainbowish windows and how demoniac are those statues of some John Doe bleeding attached to a cross. You, with 8, 9 or whatever years old, start thinking and as far as you go on, you don’t completely understand what’s happening there. And you begin asking yourself, after you hear long talks about poverty: what the heck is that guy talking about? He is 120 kilos, he has something to eat every morning.

You really end to realize that all those people are quite different to you, therefore “completely weird”. Suddenly, the most beautiful thought comes to you, from heaven: “Oh dear, there is a bunch of wrong people here, I’d better escape from this group of crazy people”.

You are older now and you have a better discernment. Or that’s what you think. So you just decide to find the right place for the wrong people, people like you, where you imagine you could belong to. So you sign up and your membership starts.

What’s on your mind?

Normally, every thought in my mind comes to an end one day. Fortunately this one was some sort of transformer and ended up on my blog. I can’t really tell if it was smart or completely stupid before, but as any kind of thought, it started somewhere. That’s the major key point that sometimes I forget: the starting point. It allows me to spend marvelous moments of loneliness just seating in front of the screen sticking words together. By the way, what do I mean by mentioning this so called “starting point”? It is quite simple. It comes from the stars. They just send me a magical message and as soon as I look up I am totally screwed, because I start wondering about millions of things, of which I have no idea whether the people around me wonder or not, like Facebook® posts.

After reading a few posts, there is not much time needed to realize that Facebook® must be one of the greatest inventions for shrinks in this planet. It is possible to learn and understand a lot about human behavior just by browsing your friends’ pages, looking at their pictures, and even less, just by reading what they publish on their statuses. Of course, shrinks know it and people working in marketing as well, that’s where the social network becomes dangerous and tricky. Amazingly, I can also have some space and sneak in the cover of these stories, to play the psychologist for a while.

Classifications are the norm sometimes, but I don’t really appreciate them. That’s how a war can start, plus they add some sort of contempt and it is a proof, at least for now, of higher stupidity (or lower intelligence). So, just to defy the norm and my own and temporary definition of lower intelligence, here a few classes:

Complaints: “It is so rainy”, “It is so hot”, “It is so cold”, “Problem X in country Y”, “I hate guys”, “I don’t like my country because of reason W”, “It is Monday again!”, etc, etc, etc. I have counted more than five complaints from girls about the weather just in a few minutes of Facebook® browsing, unbelievable, isn’t it?.

Me, me and me: “I speak so many languages”, “I am so good that I got a job in company Z”, “I feel so great and have so many friends”, “I am so this, that and those”. It seems like taking some lessons of self esteem with some personal branding as well. I wonder if it is possible to achieve such targets on Facebook® though.

Sharing is caring: “I am so happy today”, “I love you, me, my family or my friends so much”, “I am full of energy”, “I miss you”, “I like you”, “I love product X, city Y or person Z”. Spreading the love has never been so public. Then you really start wondering why this particular Facebook® profile is so happy. Perhaps he or she smoked some weed, is totally drunk after a few hours of yoga or had loads of sex last night. Then you also start wondering if the personal situation equals the Facebook profile. For sure, we all use masks in front of the people around us. The keyboard and the screen are one of the most popular masks nowadays. Anyway, this kind of post seems to receive a lot of attention and quite a few “I like” clicks.

Attention and pity: “I need this”, “I am so unlucky”, “My life is so bad”, “God, help me”. “He did that to me”… What to say, again some self esteem?

Nobody: “…”. This is one of best groups. I love these people. They simply don’t post anything on Facebook®, not even for Christmas. Then, you really start wondering how come they don’t have time for Facebook®. Perhaps they are not really best friends with technology; perhaps they are shy, on holidays or even dead. If you have a life, then you post on Facebook®, right? or was it the other way around?.

Dark age

Life has mysterious ways. It’s been an ugly time for some of us, crowded with misfortune and some twisted intentions. I can’t avoid moving down from the superficial layer that some even avoid and as much as I can approach life I can do with death. Spontaneous images surrounded by black episodes populate many of the complicated paths of my spirit. I wonder about the outcome though.

Everything started last year. Then, the earthquake came to remind us again how short life is, to tell us one more time to profit life, smile and enjoy whoever and wherever, to teach us how to love more and to hate less. It came to change a complete country.

Farewells are also included in this quest. I have been to many of them, even to my own one a couple of times. I have also missed a few, mostly in Bonn. Some important and beautiful people are far away from me, really far away like Felipe is. I guess I am lucky the world is so small and we can still have a chat from time to time in my dreams. I can profit those moments to laugh for a while with some of the many stupid comments he used to make to see a small smile coming from my mouth, the hundreds of jokes and his special way of making fun of someone, particularly of my sister and I. Some precious and abundant targets you have, don’t you?.

Perhaps the most interesting are the internal farewells. I have been just going thru them right from the bottom of my soul. It is the first time I have the chance to experience such scorpionic feelings. Those are black and intense feelings, sometimes sadness, others pure and total jealousy, hate or mistrust. Unfortunately I can’t escape right now from this deadly instinct. I don’t know how to fight against myself. The links are collapsing by themselves and I have done my part as well, cutting communication. It is imperative to light up the anguish and reveal the destructive emotions, so I can go back to the basics and perhaps reach heaven one day.

Otherwise, I am waiting to see some new adventures or the start of a new revolution in the future. After all, whenever you bring so much death you have the chance of the rebirth and the creation of a new fate together with new discoveries. Even so it is a tough time when you have to change your skin, it feels like burning sometimes and from time to time you believe you can’t hold it anymore; even more, you tell to yourself: fuck! I can’t overcome this doomed destiny. Then you must remember Mars and all the great willpower and strong heart it has given you, just like trees do, you need long roots towards the boiling center of the earth to be able to cross the sky with the leaves.

Finally, yesterday was a long day, too much work to do. I was buying the bike, shopping, painting, cleaning, cooking, etc. I was completely tired, the whole day. Feeling a lack of energy that made me go back home at 1 on a Saturday night, which is extremely rare for me. I didn’t understand what was going on with me until this morning, when I got to read the news from my sister. While I was reading the email, I couldn’t avoid dropping tons of tears and as I write now I still can’t avoid really wanting to be there with you and I remember one more time how short life is, how hard it is to keep smiling and how great values of this life (the small things) are hidden for some of us. They say it is a gift from heaven, to lose and to suffer, to be able to apprecite what we have. I guess I can just ask you to stay longer among us. I really want to see you making fun of me once again. I really want to see you changing your skin one more time, as you have done it already a few times with your powerful star.

Love